Playtime
by feisty.red.head
Summary: Lily Evans will be at the mercy of a one James Potter no longer. He has pranked her one too many times, and now there is hell to pay. Poor potter, he has no idea what’s coming. Oh dear. T for mild language.
1. Chapter 1

This was it. This was the last time James Potter was going to even _think _about her without his hands immediately moving to protect his oh so valuable equipment. This was enough. No longer did Lily Evans care about her status or reputation in that school _something _had to give. And right now, that thing was going to be Potter's skull. She stomped towards the Great Hall bumping into several people as she went, but apologizing to none. Not when she had a target. She was a heat seeking missile, and James Potter was the only thing warm in several miles. She rounded the corner, and the doors busted open. Several hundred heads all turned in her direction at once, their eggs and toast forgotten. Their jaws on the floor.

Lily Evans made her way to the smug looking boy who was the only one in the hall not looking at her. She held a skirt in one hand, and a shirt in the other. She was wearing her other uniform, she looked slightly more...revealing then usual. Her hair was aflame; licks of fire encircled her enraged face. Faint giggles could be heard throughout the area. Lily heard none of them. Her focus was too intent on the soon to be deceased man with the black hair and glasses.

"POTTER!" She screamed. He didn't look up; he simply took another bite of eggs. She was almost in front of him now. Oh he was in for it. The Great Hall was silent, except for the echoes of her screams and the thudding of her bare feet on the floor. "WHAT-THE-HELL-DID-YOU-DO?!" She hollered, finally coming face to face with him. He was lucky he was across the table otherwise Hogwarts would already have been minus a student.

He slowly looked up, and gave her a look of pure innocence. "Why Lily Love, whatever do you mean?" He asked his voice painfully sweet.

"You know what I mean." She said, lowering her voice. "You shrank all of my clothes!" She said indignant. Her green eyes flashed dangerously. "I can't wear these!" She said gesturing to the tiny uniform. She had tried both of them on, the skirt barely covered her bottom, and the shirt...well that didn't leave much room for imagination either.

"I did no such thing!" he said, dramatically putting a hand to his chest and putting on a look of false hurt. "But I love the new look." He said, his eyes traveling up and down her body. She shook with rage. This was the last time he would mess with her and get away with it. She was no longer afraid to get in trouble. Her eyes narrowed and her breathing slowed. Out of the corner of her eye she saw his pet, Sirius grinning from ear to ear, obviously proud of what his best mate had accomplished. She saw Remus looking back and fourth between James and Lily, debating whether to step in or not.

Lily calmed herself. He wanted to play? Fine. He would have hell to pay. Maybe it would teach him not to mess with the big fishes.

Lily grinned. A thought crossed her mind. She watched James's face travel from smug to fearful in milliseconds. Her gin widened.

"Lily-"He said cautiously. Sirius's head was now moving back and fourth between the two of them so fast that Lily was sure he would get whiplash any moment. Lily flashed them a dazzling smile before turning away. She could feel all eyes on her, some _lower_ then others, but yet she grinned. She quickly grabbed her wand and spun around, her target in sight. She muttered "Piscis Capitis." And watched with a satisfied grin as Potter's already enlarged head morphed into the head of a trout. The hall erupted in laughter.

Lily watched him flounder around for air- or rather water due to his gills- for only a moment before tucking her wand into her pocket with a small satisfied sigh. Damn the consequences. She hadn't felt this good since she met him. Hopefully Remus had the good enough sense to conjure a bucket of water.

Today was going to be a fantastic day.

**A/N:** Go Lily! One for the girls! I'm thinking of making this into a series. You know, like the two of them pranking each other until Lily gives in and professes her undying love for the mischievous Potter or something. What do you guys think? Reviews Please!


	2. Round One: The Maraunerds

**A/N: **Hey thanks for the input! I have tons of ideas now! It seems the plot bunnies don't leave you guys alone either. Anyways, you guys said you wanted a series. As you wish.

I have to thank my darling sister Becca for her support and beautiful mind! Thanks darling! To the moon!

Anywhoo...it seems that the Marauders have won the battle, but fear not Lily lovers, they may not win the war!

Can't take credit for Maraunerds...but can't remember who said it. Love to all! On with the reading!

Reviews are as always relished and appeciated!

...

"James Potter has a nice arse." Lily sighed heavily. This was going nowhere.

"Ok not yet...try it again." Her closest friend and confidante Becca said encouragingly.

"James Potter has a nice arse." Lily almost vomited this time. Never, ever, ever had she expected to hear those words come out of her mouth. Ever.

James Potter most certainly did not have a nice arse. He didn't have a nice anything. Except that he had a perfect bruise that that was framed around his eye, from Lily's perfect fist.

"One more time." Becca said, she was starting to lose faith that this charm would ever wear off.

"James Potter has a nice arse."

Becca sighed, Lily slapped her forehead.

"It'll wear off...eventually." Becca said, trying to comfort her friend. Those boys were dead. So dead. Once Lily was able to form proper words again, they were in for the worst hex of their lives. "You have to give it to them...it is clever." Becca added, sinking into her chair.

_Clever? What the hell? I thought you were on my side!_

"I'm not saying I like it." Becca said, seeing the indignant look on Lily's face. "We just have to come up with something better, that's all."

It was lucky that they were the cleverest witches in their year.

"One more time." Becca said smiling, trying to stay positive.

"James potter has-..." Lily fought as hard as she could not to say the rest.

_Don't say it ...don't say it..._

For a split second she thought it had worked. Becca looked triumphant.

"See I told you! It work-"

"-A nice arse!" Lily half yelled. Several people in the common room looked at her. This wasn't the first time today she had suffered humiliation. She didn't realize that she was even saying it until about two hours in when Becca approached her asking why she now fancied James and hadn't told her.

Becca closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. When Becca had figured out the Maraunerds had charmed her, she didn't stop laughing for an hour at Lily's annoyance. Now, her head felt as if it were going to be split in two.

Lily had passed anger now, she just wanted it to be gone. After eight solid hours of this, she never wanted to hear herself say the name James Potter again.

Unless "death" or "pain" or "fire" was in the same sentence.

She sighed, and shook her head.

"James Potter has a nice arse." She whisperd. She groaned, hating her mouth.

"I'm sure you'll be fine tomorrow." Becca said, her tone hopeful. Lily rolled her eyes.

She would be fine by tomorrow and by then the Maraunerds would be stuffed in their trunks. She took solace in that thought for a moment. She almost smiled, until she heard the portrait open and saw four grinning boys enter through it. Potter caught sight of her immediately and made his way towards her, Sirius not far behind. Lily stood and quickly drew her wand. He stopped in his tracks. For a moment she let her eyes wander over the glorious bruise she had left him with. She felt a little better.

"Lily Love, I was just coming to say hello." He said with a charming smile. Lily rolled her eyes, but kept her wand at the ready.

"You can't hex him. All you can do is say that you love him." Lily's eyes narrowed, and focused on the other one. The point of her wand shifted from Potter to Black. Black winced slightly.

"But I can." Becca's falsely sweet voice came from behind them. "Move along you." She added looking at Potter.

"Not till she says it." He said smiling wickedly. Lily almost said something, but stopped herself just in time.

Lily clamped her mouth shut. He would get nothing out of her. The four of them stood there in silence. Lily and Potter were locked in an intense stare; a silent battle of wills was being waged. Becca and Sirius cautiously watched the two wondering who would break first.

"All right then." Potter whispered. "Hope you have fun in detention tomorrow." He knew that would push her buttons enough to make her say something.

She had paid dearly for her little stunt in the Great Hall. She couldn't help it if he made a better fish then a person.

"Who do you have detention with again?" He said in a falsely pensive voice. "Flitwick? No."

"...Slughorn?..." Sirius piped in.

"That's not it..." Potter said scratching his chin. "I wonder what you'll have to do."

"The forest maybe?" Sirius said, mimicking James stance, and scratching his chin.

"Remember when we had detention in the forest?" James said, in a nostalgic tone." I almost got eaten by a-"

"James Potter has a nice arse." Lily said suddenly, forgetting the spell. She had meant to say "Go to hell Potter." She ground her teeth trying not to say it again. Of all the things he could have done to her, depriving her of the ability to yell at him was the worst.

He broke into a wicked smile. "Why thank you Lilykins, I had no idea you felt that way."


	3. Round Two: One For the Girls

A laugh sounding like a bark emerged from Sirius. "Clever girl." He said shaking his head, slightly resembling a dog ridding itself of water, which he was in a way. For the umpteenth time today, James was drenched.

"When do you think it'll happen again?" James asked removing his glasses, and drying them on the closest dry material, which happened to be Sirius's shirt.

That _darling _redhead had managed to charm a bucket of water to follow him around all day, and pour out its contents sporadically; it would then proceed to refill itself. Which in theory wasn't too bad, but when it wakes up a teenage boy at four in the morning...James would have preferred a more direct prank. Like a stapler to the forehead, for example.

James began to shiver, the water was ice cold, and did he mention that every drying spell in existence could not seem to persuade the frigid water to dry any sooner? Well, it didn't.

But the worst part about it, the thing that really peeved him off was the note that was permanently stuck to the bucket, following him around, mocking him everywhere he went.

_Dearest Potter,_

_Noticed you looked tired lately. Perhaps too many late night escapades with the other Maraunerds? Anyways, you looked like you could use a little freshening up._

_I sincerely hope I can help._

_Lilykins._

Sirius patted him on the back comfortingly. "At least it made Quiddich interesting."

James groaned, he was soaked to the bone and positively freezing. Only one thing could warm him up, the burning glance of a particular redhead whom he adored with all of his heart.

"I think she's warming up to me." James said, sounding a little hopeful.

"Well I don't know what says 'I love you' more then scales and pneumonia." Sirius said, taking a little more pleasure in his friend's misery then he should have. He couldn't help it, after six years of torturing Evans, James was finally getting his. Not that he liked seeing his best mate suffer, but at least he was getting a few laughs.

"It shouldn't last more then 24 hours." James said, nervously looking back at the bucket. After the first unloading, James (much to Lily's pleasure) had come screaming and cursing down into the common room, running and ducking behind chairs. He even tried to cast a few spells, none of them worked; the bucket only proceeded to empty its contents on James faster. Lily and her friend Becca must have waited up all night to see that. So he let it alone, and it just sat there...above his head... hanging ominously, threatening to douse him yet again. Every few minutes he would look back to see if it was there, and alas, that damn silver vat of future illness would not have moved one iota.

Yet James couldn't help but smile. He was the luckiest guy in the world, to know that somewhere up there Lily Evans was thinking about him. Ok so it might involve physical pain, or emotional scarring, but still he knew he possessed her thoughts. As long as they kept up this pranking thing at least.

"Let's go bother Evans." James said with that wicked smile of his.

"Perhaps she'll get wet." Sirius said hopefully, his grin matching that of his best mate's.

"Sweet Merlin I hope she--" James said, flinching at another round of painfully cold water drenching him yet again. "Does." He added finishing his sentence with a huff.

_She's gonna regret this. _He thought grinding his teeth. He looked around to see several girls giggling at his appearance.

_Oh she's definitely gonna regret this.  
_  
...**A/N: **Hey peeps!...One for the girls. Heh heh heh.

Word to the wise: _Don't _mess with a redhead. Thanks to all for reading! And hey...how about a review?

Cheers!_  
_


	4. Round Three: Near Death

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A scream echoed through the walls of the Hogwarts Castle.

"What? Why the hell are you screaming?" Becca's voice said as the person tore into the bathroom, wand drawn. She looked as confused as Lily felt.

"Oh...my...God."

Lily said nothing in response. She simply stood there in disbelief.

"No...He wouldn't." Becca said, horrified at the sight in front of her.

_Must...kill...James...Potter._Those four words seemed to preoccupy her thoughts lately, more so then usual.

Her hair. Her long, luxurious, fantastically red hair had vanished, leaving only a white, shiny, surprisingly smooth surface. Lily unconsciously ran her hands the soft skin, not completely believing what was happening. Before she knew it, her two other roommates were crowded in the bathroom, awakened by the ruckus.

"Where's your hair?" Melody, a tall blonde girl asked, dazed by both Lily's new appearance, and just being woken up.

"Holy shit." Alex, a pretty girl with short black hair said, stunned.

_Must...kill...James...Potter.  
_

Then, several things happened at once. Lily lost all control of herself; she calmly exited the bathroom, grabbed her wand, and made her way towards the boys' dormitories. She saw the door to Potters dorm and stood in front of if, trying to enjoy her last few moments of freedom, for she was to become Azkaban's newest prisoner.

"Screw it." She said, hearing footsteps behind her. Those were no doubt her friends coming to stop her from committing homicide. She quickly threw the door open before she had second thoughts.

"JAMES POTTER!" She yelled at the top of her lungs. Three boys sat up at once, Pettigrew fell out of his bed. Lily could see the silhouette of Remus and Black. But one boy, the one who _knew _it was soon to be over, closed his eyes and enjoyed his last living moments.

But it had been worth it.

"Potter..." Lily hissed, quickly closing the ground between her and the foot of his bed. "Get...up...now." She said, her voice so low, it would have made You-Know-Who flinch.

"Lily." Becca's voice warned behind her. Lily paid it no mind.

Then she heard laughter. Not the kind of one who has just seen something mildly amusing mind you, no. This was side splitting, gut wrenching, can't breathe kind of laughter. And it made Lily's stomach turn.

Sirius Black was close to passing out from lack of air. He had caught one look of Lily's bald head and doubled over. In between fits of laughter he managed to squeeze out a few words.

"I...can't...believe...it worked!" He then fell into another round of hysterics.

Lily stamped her foot. "One of you fix it. NOW." She demanded, looking around wildly.

"We can't." A new voice said from across the room. "It'll grow back in a day or two." Lily spun on her heel to see Remus looking at her. In truth she was a little hurt, she had never expected him to partake in embarrassing her. The two had an unspoken alliance, and a fairly solid friendship that no one else knew about.

"Remus..." She said, furrowing her eyebrows. Then a particularly nasty snort came from Black and Lily almost hexed him into oblivion.

"Potter." She breathed, seething with rage. "Fix it...or else."

He sat up in his bed slowly, like a man rising from the dead.

"Cant." He said simply, shrugging his shoulders. "Sorry." He was having an extremely difficult time holding back his laughter at the bald girl in front of him.

"Levicorpus." Lily said pointing her wand at Potter. He rose up in the air and hung there for a moment. "Fix it!" She demanded, before letting him down in a heap on his bed.

"No." He insisted.

"Levicorpus."

"Wont."

"Levicorpus."

"Shant."

"Levicorpus."

"I'm felling slight queasy here Lily Love."

"Levicorpus." She said acting bored. "What's the matter Potter, I thought this was your favorite spell?" She asked tauntingly.

"Not when I'm on the opposite end of it Love."

"Levicorpus."

"Never!"

"Levicorpus."

"You'll get nothing out of a Marauder!"

"Levicorpus."

They continued like this, until, eventually Potter emptied the contents of his stomach on his bed. At this Lily felt slightly satisfied.

"Sleep well." She said to him sweetly, knowing cleansing charms were more difficult on cloth.

And with that, the beautiful, bald and satisfied former redhead left the dorm, and the Maraunerds behind to clean up Potter's mess.

...

**A/N:** This one was particularly fun to write. I'm not really sure why.

I just wanna say thanks to everyone for their support. I've been getting fantastic feedback form you all. Thank you so much, you don't know what a difference it makes. Really.

Unfortunately, I am remiss to say the updates won't come as frequently as they have been. I must, must must put up another chapter of my other story Please Come Back. But once I get that done, Ill post as frequently as I can. These little nibbits about James and Lily only talk me about an hour to write, so it shouldn't be too long.

(And now for the shameless plug...) If you want to read my other writings, because I haven't updated this frequently enough, I have another story in progress. It's Harry/Ginny, its getting fairly long, and this story is not nearly as lighthearted, but I still think that it has a pretty good plot. That's just me anyways.

Love to all! And as always, reviews are welcomed and adored!


	5. Round Four: A Touch of Attraction

"Lily?"

"..."

"_Lily?"_

"_What?_"

"Are you sure this is going to work?"

"Yes of course it's going to work. Three times to the left now—good."

"What if Slughorn catches you? You could lose your badge."

"He adores me, never mind that." Lily said waving her hand in dismissal. She moved the tip of her lit wand to look at the page. That was all the light that they had to work in, and it was rather difficult. She then added the crushed Scarab Beetles and watched the liquid bubble into an extremely clear fluid.

"Potter and his cronies won't know what hit them..."

The girls giggled menacingly.

"Now, did we add--...?"

...

"Ah, good morning Lily Flower." James said, striding into the Great hall, followed by his merry men. The four sat at right next to Becca and Lily, as usual.

"Die." Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"Becca..." Sirius said in a disgustingly smooth voice. "You know you find me irresistible. Why won't you give me a chance?"

"Because I'm fairly sure you have fleas."

The three other boys stifled a laugh, as Sirius tried to be suave.

"Devil Bugs." He muttered under his breath. "Just one date?" He continued, an innocent look on his face. "You know what they say, once you go _Black_..."

"You get Chlamydia?"

"Yes. -No! - _What?"_

"James, did we give Moony...er _Remus_ his--?"

"Not the...heh...time Peter." Sirius said giving him a significant look, and giving the girls a glance. Peter quailed.

"Good morning Lily, Becca." Remus said, a note of apology in his voice. Lily was still sore at him for participating in the Maraunerds' actions. They had always had somewhat of a truce, and Lily thought he was too good to be hanging out with those rabble rousers.

Not to mention the fact that Becca was completely in love with him, and refused to admit it.

"Morning. " Said somewhat stiffly.

Both Lily and Becca had the same reaction when the boys started eating.

They began to gather their books, and spare bits of parchment as quickly as they could. Because nothing was spared or sacred when there was food in the vicinity. Lily was pretty sure she could have put a used sock on a piece of toast and one of the four would have a go at it.

It reminded her of one of those Muggle wildlife shows where the sharks go into a feeding frenzy.

Which reminded her of their prank.

Which made her wink at Becca.

The two were silent, mirth spreading in their wicked smiles, as they watched they boys devour the entire table. The four stopped eating for 1.7 seconds to take a collective drink of pumpkin juice. It was almost comical.

_This is it..._

She looked at Becca somewhat nervously. If this worked, the Maraunerds would never forget it. Lily nodded, and brought out a bag of paper clips, she spread them on the table, just as Sirius had taken an extremely large bite of eggs.

"So, boys..." Becca started, "you're looking rather irresistible today."

"Oh yes," Lily jumped in, smiling seductively at Potter. He swallowed.

"Almost _magnetic_. Wouldn't you say Lily?"

"I feel drawn to you." She said, now giving Potter a wink. Sirius, whose mouth was stuffed with eggs, was hanging open slightly, the eggs hanging on for dear life.

"Huh-?

"What?"

"What?"

"Mmmmfh?"

Lily smiled as the paper clips started to vibrate, and one by one, they zoomed to painfully distribute themselves to the boys, sticking to their bodies.

"Like I said, you look positively magnetic." Becca said, a smug look on her face.

The four boys looked at each other, completely nonplussed trying to add up what had just happened.

Lily focused her attention on the one with the glasses. He pulled a paper clip off his chest, which stuck to his right hand, he then tried to shake it off. It successfully flew off for a moment, and Potter looked triumphant, but then reversed its direction and zoomed back at his forehead.

"What the bloody hell did you do to us?" Sirius asked, yanking a fork from one hand to the other, the fork was putting up quite a fight.

"Magnetizing potion." Lily said happily, her chin resting on her hand as she watched Peter begin to struggle with his plate that had mysteriously gotten stuck to the back of his hand. Lily's spoon zoomed towards Sirius's neck, and attached itself.

"What the?...-Who?...-How?... Unngh!" He said in frustration, as he focused his attention towards the spoon on his neck, which was dripping with Lily's porridge.

"Here Pads, let me help." Potter said removing the spoon, and frowning as it got stuck between his forefinger and thumb. He shook his hand again absentmindedly.

_Because that definitely worked last time. _Lily thought, feeling gleeful.

Remus looked quite ill. He was pale, and Lily thought he might vomit. Maybe she should say something.

"Rem-?"

"Fucking fuck!"

"Language Sirius!" Becca scolded.

Other people started to notice now, and were giggling at the sight. Which was, better then Lily had imagined. All four boys were wearing a look of heavy concentration, James's brow was furrowed, his glasses slightly crooked. He was continuing to shake his right hand furiously, the spoon, flinging bits of leftover porridge everywhere. Peter was now wearing the plate he was previously eating off of, as chest armor, bits of egg were dribbling down his front, and he was attempting to pry the plate off with a fork. There was a sweat on his brow, and his face was turning slightly red. Remus was still continuing his epic battle with the paperclips, which were getting the best of him.

But Black, oh he was by far the best.

His tongue was hanging out of his mouth, and Lily thought he looked extremely canine. He was panting slightly, he had a butter knife in his hair, and it looked as if he had simply rolled around on the table. There were knives and forks, and small plates and spoons stuck to every part of his body. He was extremely red, and looking more and more frustrated with each passing moment.

Sirius Black Ladies Man Extraordinaire/ Walking Eating Utensil.

Students further away were starting to chatter now, because their plates and forks and whatnot were getting increasingly difficult to hold on to. Already, everyone within a ten foot radius was missing theirs. At first they were complaining, but once they were able to get a good look at the four boys, all whining ceased. The Gryffindor table was roaring with laughter, the boys were reddening, and Lily felt as if she was floating.

"I love it when they sing!" She yelled to Becca and the boys over the laugher. The others in the Great Hall were starting to notice too, and beginning to giggle.

"The strength of the potion is only going to increase with time. You might want to leave." Becca yelled to the Maraunerds over the laughter, which by now, even the teachers were giggling slightly. They all turned a blind eye, because they agreed it was time for the troublemakers to get a taste of their own medicine.

"Unless you want to be killed by cutlery." Lily chimed in. "Heroic death," She said sarcastically.

The boys, who never needed to be told the obvious twice, got up and ran for the big doors at the end of the Great Hall. Sirius was considerably slower then the rest, as he was lugging around about 30 pounds of dead weight. A fleet of flying cutlery was behind them, all zooming towards their target, which were the boys.

Luckily, Potter had the good sense to quickly shut the doors behind them, as about 50 knives and forks collided with the ancient wood door, each of them making a satisfying "thud" sound.

"I can't wait for Transfiguration today." Lily said wickedly.

"Why?" Becca asked, looking around for something to eat her breakfast with.

"Because we're working with needles."

...

**A/N: **Ahhhh, there it is. I hope it's as fun to read as it was to write. Yes, I will be continuing this. Fear not, as I would have told you if I had given up entirely. I have far too many ideas not to let them out. If I didn't let them all out my brain would go kaput, and that would be the end of me. I would be in a vegetative state and only eat things that have been liquefied. And the concept of 'blended steak' terrifies me.

Please sir, May I have some more...er...reviews?

Har, har. Cheers my lovely readers.


	6. A Costly Mistake: Part One

"I am in love with an evil genius."

"No, you are in love with the Devil."

"She is _not_-...ok maybe."

James sighed as he tried to remove his quill from his forearm for the 80 billionth time. It seemed that the charm, or potion or whatever it was only worked in the room you were in. For example the moment they left the Great Hall, everything that they had collected clattered to the floor. For a brief, shining moment, they thought it was over, until Peter was attacked by a screaming painting that had been yanked off the wall, due to its metallic frame.

Needless to say, there was blood. And more screaming, but not from the painting.

"Transfiguration was a bloody mess." Sirius said, not necessarily cursing.

"The _one_ day McGoogles let's us work with something sharp..." Peter whined, nursing his injured head.

It was lunchtime, and the boys were extremely hungry, but they didn't dare to return to the great hall, so they settled for sitting outside. They had collectively decided that inside was unsafe. Inside bad, outside good. Outside _safe_. Outside no die. However it was cold. And raining. And Sirius was pissed, and moody, and hungry. And a million other 'ands' added to their terrible demeanor.

"Evans is so dead...so..._dead." _He said stewing. "She's so..._dead._" No one said he was eloquent when he was in a bad mood, and starving.

"Now, now Pads, think of the children. They wouldn't want to be motherless would they?" James said, chucking somewhat nervously. "This isn't all that horrible."

"Dead...corpse..._Her_..." Sirius grumbled again.

James sighed heavily, and tried to pull the quill off his leg.

"Bah! Cheer up mate." Peter said, nudging Sirius. "This will all be over soon...you alright there Moony?" He asked, looking at him.

Remus was looking worse then ever. He was pale, and gaunt, and looked like death.

"I-I'm fine." He said, a hand on his stomach. "I don't think breakfast settled well."

"Maybe you should get up to see Madam Pomfrey...you don't look so well."

"He has a point...I mean, the full moon isn't for another two weeks...and you look like hell." James said, giving up on the quill now stuck to his forehead.

"Yeah. Maybe. I think I'll go right now." He said standing shakily; he wiped a small amount of sweat from his brow.

"Do you have any chocolate on you?" James asked, thinking that the cocoa aficionado might have a smidge in his bag. "Might make you feel better..."

"Chocolate! Where?" Sirius jumped at the mention of anything edible.

Peter got up and moved away from the wild eyed boy, fearing the delirium that Sirius was in might cause him to have hallucinations, and that he would mistake Peter for a steaming roast chicken leg.

Remus popped a piece into his mouth.

"Any better?"

"No, but I think Sirius might kiss me just to get the chocolate."

"It's a possibility."

Sirius drooled, his eyes wide and glossy.

Remus's head swirled and he felt faint. He stumbled back a few steps, and emptied the contents of his stomach.

"Ok. To the Hospital Wing with you." James said standing, and hooking an arm under Moony's, supporting his weight because he was swaying dangerously. "Peter...could you...err..._wake_ Sirius?"

"Sure thing." Peter said, smiling.

He then proceeded to slap him across the face, with an unnecessary amount of force.

"Ow!- Wossthematterwithyou?" He said in one word.

"Remus is sick, and you were a zombie."

"Oh."

"..."

"..."

"Can we get on with it then?" Remus demanded, feeling Breakfast: Part Three brewing.

"Absolutely."

"Right-O, Old Chap."

...

"Almost there." James panted, seeing a familiar redhead approach. So far the four had managed to "attract" several paintings, and a very lucky suit of armor. That was before they reached the Great Hall. Thank Merlin the doors had been closed, because they heard several heavy sounding things 'thunk' on it.

"_Almost there_..." He said again, more for himself then anyone else.

"Well hello there boys." She said smugly, stopping them in their tracks, one hand on her hip. "James, you have something...here." She said gesturing to her forehead with a smirk, looking at the quill.

"Not now Lily." He said, slightly irritated.

"What's wrong with him?" She asked as Remus made a very unpleasant gurgling sound.

Something rumbled. Probably Sirius's stomach.

"Look, Lily we need to get him to the hospital wing. _Now." _James said, readjusting his weight.

Something rumbled. Again.

"Sirius...was that your...?"

"No."

"Peter?"

"Uh-uh."

The ground was vibrating. The five of them were silent.

"We're in the-..." James began.

"Second floor corridor." Sirius finished.

"I don't get it." Peter said.

"Oh God." Lily said catching on.

"Trophy Room." James, Lily and Sirius chorused.

"RUN!" James yelled, dragging Remus as fast as possible. Sirius grabbed around the Remus's other side, increasing their speed tenfold.

They made it just in time as at least half a dozen dangerously heavy trophies busted through the wall. One of them hit the wall where James's head had been a fraction of a second ago, cracking the wall, and thankfully not his "wonderfully handsome face."

"WHY ARE THEY ALL SO BLOODY POINTY?" Sirius raged, and pulled out his wand, blowing up a Quiddich badge, which he had the suspicion of carrying the name "James Potter" on it. They rounded the corner, close to what they hoped was the safety zone.

"If we get to the third floor, we should be safe." Lily said running at top speed.

"WE?" James raged. "_WE_ _SHOULD BE SAFE??" _He yelled as a heavy trophy pelted him in the back.

Lily ignored him.

...

With one last great effort all five of them were on the third floor corridor, sweaty and panting. James winced and watched the trophies close the ground between them, gathering steam with every moment. He closed his eyes and prepared for impact, trying to shield Remus with his body. But none came. He cautiously opened one eye, and flicked it around the room, then down at the staircase, where there seemed to be an invisible barrier between the floors, the trophies hit, and clattered to the floor.

They sighed with relief, and James propped Remus against the wall, needing to catch his breath. Sirius did the same.

"Is everyone ok?" James asked, really asking Lily, he wanted to make sure she was ok before he killed her.

"Yeah."

"Fine."

"Depends on your definition of 'ok.'"

Remus gurgled.

Lily and James shared an intense look of white hot anger with one another. Lily knew what was coming.

"I can't believe you did this Evans."

"I don't need a lecture right now Potter."

"We could have been kill-"

"I'm not stupid Potter. I _know _what could have happened."

"Er...James?..."

"Not now Sirius. Apparently you are, because you did this in the first place."

"_Never _call me stupid. You have done far worse."

"I've never tried to have someone's skull cracked!"

"Prongs! I --"

"Keep talking Potter, I just _might_ crack your skull if you're lucky." Their voices were rising. It was going to be one of _those _fights. Lily's small hands were in fists, and James's were doing the same.

"Well, it wouldn't be the FIRST TIME YOU TRIED!"

"IT'S NOT HOMICIDE IF YOU HATE THE PERSON. IT'S JUSTICE!" Of course she knew that wasn't true, but who was going to reason with her _now_?

"HEY! COULD YOU QUIET DOWN FOR A MOMENT BECAUSE REMUS IS TRYING TO DIE?!" Sirius shouted, having enough.

Another smoldering look between the two of them was shared. And not the steamy fun kind either.

Without another word James turned to face his friend, and helped Sirius drag him to the entrance of the hospital wing. Lily stayed where she was, feeling both guilty and angry.

She jumped when the four of them were loudly attacked by a tray of medical instruments.

"DAMN IT LILY!"

She put her face in her hands and sighed.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

...

**A/N: **Uh-oh. What's wrong with Remus? Has the prank gone too far? Join us next time on "The Bold and the Bewitched..."

Ahhh. A lack of good daytime T.V. is driving me to madness. You know how you can help? By giving me LOTS of reviews.

Ok so, I kind of disappeared for a while, I know I know, you hate me, you're on your way to my house with pitchforks, and torches and other means of medieval weaponry. But I'm back, and I'm hoping that TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY will make up for it.

It's a two-fer. Hope you like.

Oh and pitchforks REALLY frighten me.


	7. A Costly Mistake: Part Two

The common room was oddly empty when Lily entered, not that she noticed. Lily made her way over to one girl on the corner, a quill between her teeth and a smudge of ink on her nose. Lily yanked off her tie.

"What's the matter with you?" She asked. "You should be basking in the gloriousness that is Magnetizing Potion."

"James hates me. I can't blame him."

Becca's brain almost exploded, she had a million questions because of that comment she tried to ask all of her questions at once.

"Why does _James_ hate you?" Which came out "Fffffgnnnnnnnn?"

"What?"

"What?"

"..."

"Becca!" Lily said, exasperated at her friend.

"Oh right. Sorry. Why does Potter hate you?" She asked, brows furrowed. "And did you just call him James voluntarily?"

Lily didn't answer, she just looked into the fire. It was Becca's turn to get frustrated.

"What's _wrong _with you? Are you ill?" She asked, giving Lily that look of disapproval that she had earned a million times before. She was annoyed, but extremely glad that she was her best friend.

"No, I'm not ill. But Remus is, he's in the hospital wing."

Becca squeaked and made a twitching movement towards the door. Her eyes darted back and forth between Lily and the portrait, as if she was having some great internal struggle.  
Her eyes were big and round, pleading with Lily.

"Ok, yes fine. Go. Leave your best friend to rot in her misery."

"Thank you thank you thank you." Becca gave her a quick semi hug, and practically ran for the door. Lily smiled in spite of herself, what would she do without her?

...

Lily sat and stewed for the next few hours, feeling worse by the minute. It was about dinner time when she had an idea. Emptying the contents of her bag on her bed she ran down to the Great Hall, and stuffed it full of food. When she felt satisfied that she had enough food, she grabbed a pitcher of pumpkin juice and headed towards her destination with a determined look.

She passed the trophy room and winced, there were several teachers chattering and shaking their heads. Lily stepped over a trophy labeled "Best Head boy with existing medical condition" and continued. She climbed the stairs and sighed before she rounded the corner. She wouldn't say much, she would just set the food down and leave. Becca would bring her bag back and...

"Ahhh!" Lily screamed and jumped, splashing pumpkin juice on herself.

"I smell food. Gimmie gimmie gimmie."

"Sirius!" She said vehemently. "You scared me!"

"Do you always talk to yourself like that?" He asked putting a chicken leg in between his teeth, and ripping the flesh from the bone. Lily huffed and rounded the corner, Sirius hot on her heels, his hands buried in her bag. The three boys were sitting outside of the hospital wing, the doors firmly shut.

"Where's Becc-?"

"She's inside." Potter said, cutting her off. "Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let us back in, we kept messing up her room." He wouldn't even look at her, and it was the worst feeling in the world.

"We thought it was wearing off until a bed hurtled itself towards us." Peter said. All three looked gaunt and worried.

"I brought food." She said obviously setting the bag down, "I forgot cups, but I didn't think you'd mind drinking from the pitcher." Both Sirius and Peter were already noisily devouring most of the food, but Potter just sat there. Lily tucked a piece of hair behind her ears.

"How is he?" She asked Sirius and Peter. The two of them fell silent and looked at each other.

"We don't know what's wrong with him. So, not good"

Peter nodded, Potter stayed unmoving. Lily nervously tucked a piece of hair behind her ears again. She turned to leave, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. At the last moment, she saw the doors open; the boys flinched and thrust their hands out, trying to shield their body from any metallic instruments, Peter even squeaked. The doors were quickly closed.

"Hey Lily."

"Hi Becca."

"Madam Pomfrey says she needs a list of everything he's eaten today." Potter quickly gave her the list.

"Oh and whatever was in that potion of yours." He added, stiffly nodding his head in her direction.

Becca and Lily made eye contact, each trying to remember the ingredients.

"Er...ok there was Horsetail Root, Scarab beetles, Newt...what else?"

"Dragon Liver..." Becca piped in "Murtlap essence..."

"Silver extract...there were a million things really. I don't remem-"

"What did you say?" Potter said facing her with an intense look on his face.

"I was _saying_..."Lily said, annoyed at his interruption "I don't really remember—"

"Did you say silver?" He asked his face paling.

"Well, silver extract to be precise, but yes I guess—"

"Oh my god."

"No."

"Holy Fuck."

"Language Sirius!"

Potter ran a hand through his hair, making it even messier then before. Lily was confused.

"Becca," he said facing her, "go tell Pomfrey it was _silver extract."  
_

She nodded and went back inside, the boys flinched again as she opened the doors. Potter sat on the bench heavily.

"Poor Moony, poisoned."

"Shut up Peter." Sirius hissed, and narrowed his eyes.

Lily made eye contact with James. He looked even worse, but this time he didn't look away, he looked angrier then ever. His lips had disappeared, and were now a white line. But he still said nothing.

Lily's internal wheels were turning.

_Moony...silver...poisoned..._She looked at each one of the boys, all were distraught.

_Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs. _

All were looking at her, looking slightly worried. But none, not even Sirius spoke.

_Silver.  
_  
"Lily..." Potter finally said, a softer tone to his voice. Lily didn't hear him.

_Poor Moony,...poisoned..._"Oh my God" Lily said, her mind connecting with a _clink_ that she would have sworn the whole world heard. "Oh my God." She repeated.

"Lily..." Potter said, now standing.

"Oh my God. Remus...he's...not...oh..."

Potter guided her to a seat, which was a good thing because her legs were about to give out. Potter got his knees in front of her, so he was eye level, but he said nothing.

"He's a Werewolf." She said finally, not believing the words coming out of her mouth. "Why didn't I see it before?"

"Lily," James said softly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You cannot tell anyone." He said, his eyes pleading. "It would put him in too much danger."

Lily returned his look, her mouth hanging open slightly. Potter licked his lips.

"Not even Becca." Her brain stepped on the brakes.

"I will not lie to her. She's my best friend, and a will _not_ lie to her."

"Lily this is important."

"You think I don't know that, Potter?" She spat, pulling her shoulder away from his hand.

"Lily, we have managed to keep this a secret for six years." He said, the muscle in his jaw twitching. "You can't just go around telling everyone."

"This isn't everyone! She is practically my sister; she's as close to me, as you all are to each other."

James sighed and stood running his hand through his hair, Lily watched as he looked at his friends having one of those silent conversations that only best friends could possibly understand.

"No." He said finally.

"Oh really? What? You going to Obliviate me?" She said standing defiantly.

"If I have to." Potter said slowly, for a moment Lily doubted that he was kidding.

"She's not going to tell anyone. She wouldn't endanger him like that."

"That's not it." Sirius piped up. The boys were then silent.

"Then what is it?" Lily asked, crossing her arms.

"Remus...he...well...he sort of..." Potter said lamely.

"He's got a case of the sexy's for your best mate." Sirius said untactful as ever. He took another bite of his chicken.

"Oh."

"It would hurt him if she found out and hated him for it."

"Oh." Lily said.

"And here I thought you were so eloquent with words. Oh how the mighty have fallen." Sirius said smugly.

"I don't think she could hate him –"Lily was cut off by the doors opening, and a flustered looking Becca exiting. Yet again, the boys all flinched and tried to cover themselves. Peter squeaked once more. Everyone was far too silent, Lily's face scrunched, she knew what was coming. There were a few moments of painfully awkward silence.

"You know that feeling when you walk into a room where everyone was talking about you?" Becca said, looking at them suspiciously. "This is one of them."

"We were talking about Remus." James said, before Lily could tell her the truth. He then gave Lily a significant glance. Lily returned it, she nodded ever so slightly. It was one of those unspoken conversations.

_Ok. I won't tell her._

Good.

"Pomfrey says that now that she knows what's wrong with him, she can cure him. He should be fine by morning."

Lily was silent, someone behind her sighed with relief. It was then that the reality of the situation sunk in.

_She had almost killed Remus Lupin._

The guilt hit her like a ton of bricks. She was nauseous, and felt like throwing up in her disgust. She sighed, and felt like crying and heaving at the same time. She didn't even hear Becca speak.

"Oh she also said that she has an antidote for the Magnetizing potion."

"Bout damn time."

"_Language _Sirius."

...

Once the boys had been de-magnetized, they were allowed to enter the sterile room, Becca was already inside, no doubt watching over him dutifully. Lily simply sat on the bench outside, her elbows on her knees, her face in her hands, feeling too guilty to even look at him.

_She had almost killed Remus Lupin. _

Another wave of guilt hit her, and she could feel tears in her eyes.

"Lily?" A tentative voice said, she immediately knew who it was.

"Mmmmm?" She replied, not trusting her own voice. She felt him sit next to her, but she didn't move.

"You didn't know."

Lily said nothing. If she had her voice would have become thick and filled with sadness.

"It wasn't your fault." This statement hit a nerve. Lily sat up straight, and glared into his eyes, in a clash of green and brown.

"Yes it is. I almost killed him. Do you have any idea—?"

James put his fingertips on her lips to silence her.

"You...didn't...know."

"Mmmfh."

He pulled his fingertips away. Lily almost missed the contact when he moved.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, and sniffled slightly with a poor attempt to disguise it.

"Oi! You two going to get in here, or have a snog all day?" Sirius asked, sticking his shaggy head out of the doorframe. Lily and James kept the eye contact for a moment longer.

"Shut up you tit." James said standing, and Lily pulled her eyes away. "You coming?" he asked, Lily still wouldn't make eye contact.

"Yeah." She said standing.

"Victory! Biscuits!" Sirius said, peering into her bag once more.

...

**A/N: carry-me-away** (sorry for bastardizing your name there, but underscores don't seem to work in here), Thanks for your question! Our old chap Moony here was ok BEFORE he drank the pumpkin juice. After that, well he was less then ok, and was feeling worse throughout the day because the strength of the potion increased with time. Does that make more sense? I certainly hope so!

Somewhat of a more Sirius (har har) chapter, I think I might have wanted to flex my dramatic writing muscles. They were beginning to atrophy, and ache slightly. I NEED those occasionally.

To answer your questions that I _know_ you are wondering: yes, there will be more pranks. I think this is turning into more of a story then I had intended, which is fine, as long my writing is up to par.

Review pweaaase?

Oh, and to that one girl who is awesome: to the moon.

Much love all. Peace.


	8. A Very Poe Halloween

"These tights are crushing my boys."

"We should have been the Beatles. At least they don't look like total Poofters."

"Those Muggle wankers? –Absolutely not."

"Moony? I get it, we're best mates, but are the bloody feathers absolutely necessary?"

Moony sighed for the umpteenth time that evening. He ground his teeth and rubbed his temples. "You said it would be fun to be the Three—well Four Musketeers. Yes James, the feathers _are _necessary, and Sirius, if you take those tights off, you're dead to me, not to mention you'll expose yourself to helpless students."

James grumbled, Sirius scrunched his face up and readjusted his "boys," muttering something about "breezy in his bits."

"What do you think Lily will be?"

"Amused?"

"No I mean her costume..."

"Right boys," Peter interjected, "let's go, wouldn't want to deprive the Gryffindors of a good laugh."

"And after, I plan to get completely noshed." Sirius said, his hands fumbling about in his all-to-revealing tights.

"Here, here."

...

Someone was laughing. Well, giggling rather.

As a matter of fact, there were several people giggling. Lily dragged her eyes away from the perfectly centered punch bowl to take a look at what people were laughing at.

There were four boys, different shapes and sizes, all wearing confident looks and identically dressed. They matched completely, from their feminine ribboned shoes, to the top of their ridiculously oversized hats. A big white feather stuck out of each of them, all shaking slightly, giving Lily the impression that they were not as confident as they looked. The four of them sauntered over to where Lily was standing.

She adjusted her wings, and then her halo; she desperately tried not to laugh.

"I would be deadly embarrassed if I showed up wearing the _exact same thing_ as three other people."

"You look lovely Lily." James said, his confident smile faltering somewhat.

"I'd let you sharpen my sword." Sirius said nodding; James punched him in the shoulder, harder then was probably necessary.

"Who says great minds think alike?" Becca's voice said happily from behind her, Lily watched her put down the decorations carefully. "Evening Boys." She nodded, her eyes lingered on Remus for a fraction of a moment before she looked down.

"Wow Becca."

She was dressed exactly like Lily, except in black from head to toe. Her halo and wings were a dark contrast to the lightness of Lily's appearance. Her eyes were heavily lidded, and she didn't look like herself at all, but that was the purpose of Halloween.

"Sirius!" Lily said scandalized. "Can you—_scratch yourself_ some place else?"

"You try crushing your manhood, and then well talk about appropriate scratching."

Lily sighed, and turned to Remus, "I suppose this was your idea?" She asked with a small smile. "You're the only one here literate enough to read Muggle literature."

Remus nodded. "They like the idea of banging swords together, it's slightly creepy really." He said with a small shrug. "You two look nice." He said, keeping his eyes on the common room floor.

"Thank you." Both Becca and Lily said graciously.

The rest of the Maraunerds had wandered off by now. Leaving only the three of them, Lily made her excuses and left Becca and Remus to themselves, but gave Becca a small wink before doing so. She took a great pleasure in watching a flush spread over her cheeks and neck. She turned just in time to hear Remus ask if she was alright.

...

"Alright everyone, gather round!" Lily said at three minutes to eleven, setting out all lamps, and the fireplace except for one.

She pulled out a thick, old book, dust and smelling of age.

_Edgar Allen Poe_

Basically, everyone had either gone to bed by now, or was in another Common Room partying. It left only Becca, Lily and the Maraunerds. There were a couple of people asleep in corners, their snoring sounding extremely loud in the silence of the room.

It was extremely eerie to say the least.

"Aw is that a Muggle story? They're never as good as the wizarding ones."

"Stuff it Peter."

"Right, sorry."

Lily sat down on the couch, next to Becca; the boys were sprawled out on the floor looking at her attentively. The lamplight glowed, bleak and scary casting off shadows in places they shouldn't be, and illuminating Lily's face just enough to make her face look somewhat hollow.

"The Telltale Heart, by Edgar Allen Poe."

"This better be good."

"Do you want me to read this or not?"

"I suppose."

"So don't interrupt."

"Right-o."

Lily opened up the book, and took a deep breath.

"True! -- nervous -- very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses -- not destroyed -- not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad? Hearken! And observe how healthily -- how calmly I can tell you the whole story."

Sirius scoffed. "Doesn't sound that calm."

"It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. Object there was none. Passion there was none. I loved the old man. He had never wronged me. He had never given me insult. For his gold I had no desire. I think it was his eye! yes, it was this! He had the eye of a vulture -- a pale blue eye, with a film over it. Whenever it fell upon me, my blood ran cold; and so by degrees -- very gradually -- I made up my mind to take the life of the old man, and thus rid myself of the eye forever."

"Hey, who knows that Moody fellow? Sounds like him.—Ow Prongs."

"Sirius!"

"Hmmph."

"Now this is the point. You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing."

"Can't be that Moody man then. Thinks madmen know all."

Lily sighed. "Peter! You're as bad as Sirius!"

"But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded -- with what caution -- with what foresight -- with what dissimulation I went to work! I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him. And every night, about midnight, I turned the latch of his door and opened it -- oh so gently! And then, when I had made an opening sufficient for my head, I put in a dark lantern, all closed, closed, that no light shone out, and then I thrust in my head. Oh, you would have laughed to see how cunningly I thrust it in! I moved it slowly -- very, very slowly, so that I might not disturb the old man's sleep. It took me an hour to place my whole head within the opening so far that I could see him as he lay upon his bed. Ha! would a madman have been so wise as this? And then, when my head was well in the room, I undid the lantern cautiously -- oh, so cautiously -- cautiously (for the hinges creaked) -- I undid it just so much that a single thin ray fell upon the vulture eye. And this I did for seven long nights -- every night just at midnight -- but I found the eye always closed; and so it was impossible to do the work; for it was not the old man who vexed me, but his Evil Eye."

Peter coughed, Sirius stifled a giggle. Lily pressed on.

"And every morning, when the day broke, I went boldly into the chamber, and spoke courageously to him, calling him by name in a hearty tone, and inquiring how he has passed the night. So you see he would have been a very profound old man, indeed, to suspect that every night, just at twelve, I looked in upon him while he slept."

"Creeper." Potter said.

"And you're so much better?" Lily answered.

"Upon the eighth night I was more than usually cautious in opening the door. A watch's minute hand moves more quickly than did mine. Never before that night had I felt the extent of my own powers -- of my sagacity. I could scarcely contain my feelings of triumph. To think that there I was, opening the door, little by little, and he not even to dream of my secret deeds or thoughts."

"You know what that means. --Ow! That hurt!"

"I fairly chuckled at the idea; and perhaps he heard me; for he moved on the bed suddenly, as if startled. Now you may think that I drew back -- but no. His room was as black as pitch with the thick darkness, (for the shutters were close fastened, through fear of robbers,) and so I knew that he could not see the opening of the door, and I kept pushing it on steadily, steadily. I had my head in, and was about to open the lantern, when my thumb slipped upon the tin fastening, and the old man sprang up in bed, crying out -- 'Who's there?' I kept quite still and said nothing.

"Mua ha ha ha ha!"

"Stop that."

"—Sorry."

For a whole hour I did not move a muscle, and in the meantime I did not hear him lie down. He was still sitting up in the bed listening; -- just as I have done, night after night, hearkening to the death watches in the wall."

"Death has eyes?"

"Shh!"

"Really Sirius, really? Hypocritical man you are."

"I'm interested"

"Presently I heard a slight groan, and I knew it was the groan of mortal terror. It was not a groan of pain or of grief -- oh, no! -- it was the low stifled sound that arises from the bottom of the soul when overcharged with awe. I knew the sound well. Many a night, just at midnight, when all the world slept, it has welled up from my own bosom, deepening, with its dreadful echo, the terrors that distracted me."

Lily stopped, expecting some smart comment. None came, success.

"I say I knew it well. I knew what the old man felt, and pitied him, although I chuckled at heart. I knew that he had been lying awake ever since the first slight noise, when he had turned in the bed. His fears had been ever since growing upon him. He had been trying to fancy them causeless, but could not. He had been saying to himself -- 'It is nothing but the wind in the chimney -- it is only a mouse crossing the floor,' or 'It is merely a cricket which has made a single chirp.' Yes, he had been trying to comfort himself with these suppositions: but he had found all in vain. All in vain; because Death, in approaching him had stalked with his black shadow before him, and enveloped the victim. And it was the mournful influence of the unperceived shadow that caused him to feel --although he neither saw nor heard -- to feel the presence of my head within the room."

"He felt his _head_ eh?"

"Peter will you shove it?"

"When I had waited a long time, very patiently, without hearing him lie down, I resolved to open a little -- a very, very little crevice in the lantern. So I opened it -- you cannot imagine how stealthily, stealthily -- until, at length a simple dim ray, like the thread of the spider, shot from out the crevice and fell full upon the vulture eye. It was open -- wide, wide open -- and I grew furious as I gazed upon it. I saw it with perfect distinctness -- all a dull blue, with a hideous veil over it that chilled the very marrow in my bones; but I could see nothing else of the old man's face or person: for I had directed the ray as if by instinct, precisely upon the damned spot. And have I not told you that what you mistake for madness is but over-acuteness of the sense? -- now, I say, there came to my ears a low, dull, quick sound, such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I knew that sound well, too. It was the beating of the old man's heart. It increased my fury, as the beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage."

"God this is good."

"But even yet I refrained and kept still. I scarcely breathed. I held the lantern motionless. I tried how steadily I could maintain the ray upon the eve. Meantime the hellish tattoo of the heart increased. It grew quicker and quicker, and louder and louder every instant. The old man's terror must have been extreme! It grew louder, I say, louder every moment! -- do you mark me well I have told you that I am nervous: so I am. And now at the dead hour of the night, amid the dreadful silence of that old house, so strange a noise as this excited me to uncontrollable terror. Yet, for some minutes longer I refrained and stood still. But the beating grew louder, louder! I thought the heart must burst. And now a new anxiety seized me -- the sound would be heard by a neighbour! The old man's hour had come! With a loud yell, I threw open the lantern and leaped into the room. He shrieked once -- once only. In an instant I dragged him to the floor, and pulled the heavy bed over him. I then smiled gaily,"

There was sniggering. "Gaily can mean something else you moron." Lily said.

"To find the deed so far done. But, for many minutes, the heart beat on with a muffled sound. This, however, did not vex me; it would not be heard through the wall. At length it ceased. The old man was dead. I removed the bed and examined the corpse. Yes, he was stone, stone dead. I placed my hand upon the heart and held it there many minutes. There was no pulsation. He was stone dead. His eye would trouble me no more."

"Can't say that for poor old Moody. That thing in his eye socket haunts me.—OW! Stop that!"

"If still you think me mad, you will think so no longer when I describe the wise precautions I took for the concealment of the body. The night waned, and I worked hastily, but in silence. First of all I dismembered the corpse. I cut off the head and the arms and the legs. I then took up three planks from the flooring of the chamber, and deposited all between the scantlings. I then replaced the boards so cleverly, so cunningly, that no human eye -- not even his -- could have detected any thing wrong. There was nothing to wash out -- no stain of any kind -- no blood-spot whatever. I had been too wary for that. A tub had caught all -- ha! ha! When I had made an end of these labors, it was four o'clock -- still dark as midnight. As the bell sounded the hour, there came a knocking at the street door. I went down to open it with a light heart, -- for what had I now to fear? There entered three men, who introduced themselves, with perfect suavity, as officers of the police. A shriek had been heard by a neighbour during the night; suspicion of foul play had been aroused; information had been lodged at the police office, and they (the officers) had been deputed to search the premises. I smiled, -- for what had I to fear? I bade the gentlemen welcome. The shriek, I said, was my own in a dream. The old man, I mentioned, was absent in the country. I took my visitors all over the house. I bade them search -- search well. I led them, at length, to his chamber. I showed them his treasures, secure, undisturbed. In the enthusiasm of my confidence, I brought chairs into the room, and desired them here to rest from their fatigues, while I myself, in the wild audacity of my perfect triumph, placed my own seat upon the very spot beneath which reposed the corpse of the victim.

"The officers were satisfied. My manner had convinced them. I was singularly at ease. They sat, and while I answered cheerily, they chatted of familiar things. But, ere long, I felt myself getting pale and wished them gone. My head ached, and I fancied a ringing in my ears: but still they sat and still chatted. The ringing became more distinct: -- It continued and became more distinct: I talked more freely to get rid of the feeling: but it continued and gained definiteness -- until, at length, I found that the noise was not within my ears. No doubt I now grew very pale; -- but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice. Yet the sound increased -- and what could I do? It was a low, dull, quick sound -- much such a sound as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I gasped for breath -- and yet the officers heard it not. I talked more quickly -- more vehemently; but the noise steadily increased. I arose and argued about trifles, in a high key and with violent gesticulations; but the noise steadily increased. Why would they not be gone? I paced the floor to and fro with heavy strides, as if excited to fury by the observations of the men -- but the noise steadily increased. Oh God! What could I do? I foamed -- I raved -- I swore! I swung the chair upon which I had been sitting, and grated it upon the boards, but the noise arose over all and continually increased. It grew louder -- louder -- louder! And still the men chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible they heard not? Almighty God! -- no, no! They heard! -- they suspected! -- they knew! -- they were making a mockery of my horror! -- this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! And now -- again! -- hark! Louder! Louder! Louder! Louder!

"'Villains!' I shrieked, 'dissemble no more! I admit the deed! -- tear up the planks! here, here! -- It is the beating of his hideous heart!'"

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"That was good. Much better then some of the Wizarding ones."

"Uh-huh."

**...**

**A/N: **Yes harrypottertwilightlover92, Remus was poisoned because of the silver. Thanks for your question. Oh and pushy, pushy are we carry-me-away?(Bugger all when it comes to underscores on this site) Har har you amuze me. Thanks all for the reviews.

I was inspired for this chapter by The Shoebox Project, which has totally changed my life.

If you don't like Remus/Sirius, don't read it.

This was fun to write. Hope you all enjoyed! And of course, reviews are vastly appreciated. And if not, I will continue to keep on with the scary stories until you have soiled yourself.

MUA HA HA HA HA!

"Stop that."

"—Sorry."


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